I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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