Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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