Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
