I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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