yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
