I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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