I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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