everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
