i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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