i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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