there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
