I will die if light touches me.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
