Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
