I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
