I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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