I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
