census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
