Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
