Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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