chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
