I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
