I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
