I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i drank out of a bidet.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
