i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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