If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
