none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
