so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
