He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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