Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
