i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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