My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
