are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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