Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
