I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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