First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
