I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
