my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment