Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.