i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.