i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
