No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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