My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
