That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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