I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I AM VODKA MAN
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
