If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
