I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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