I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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