i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
tell me about the eggs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
