i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
