remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
