smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
