in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
