batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
