You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
