If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
