Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think my moral compass just broke
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
