High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
