The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
